I’m still in shrink-wrap. I’m still very rigid. Still very rough. But clean. Very clean.
So, I’ve been tracking back my progress and change as a person over the past couple of months, and I think if I look back favorably, and start to a take a realistic look at my accomplishments, I think I can build on the successful momentum and not feel discouraged with no longer feeling so “high” or “empowered” as I did back in April / May.
So… counting back to last Summer, maybe… 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…
One day I was just being my usual self at the time. Mopey, moody, irritable. I almost miss that part of me. I like that guy in how dead-set he was about being so self-absorbed. It was easy. It was easy to just be social when I made the effort to be social and let people come to me and pity me. I’ve done a lot of thought on why children behave the way they do and why they act certain ways or react to certain triggers. As much as I’d like to think that everyone is unique, evidence points to the contrary. Patterns emerge in personalities and I’m pretty sure that selfish, spoiled children really take any opportunity they can to plea for attention in any way, shape, or form.
Mine was this angsty, emo, vagabond character, that wanted to seem too cool for not caring. It’s very high school, when I gladly left that part of my life very far behind me.
So… mid-2009 rolls around and I’m quickly being the pledgemaster of my frat with a boost to my ego. The culmination of years of investment and really something I wanted to do in the frat. And I also feel like I’m someone there at the chapter. Work for the good and all that.
I met a girl, and we got close, and mistakes were had. School starts and I basically come into school on the momentum of one skittering relationship. I meet three more people and I start tending to my Harvest Moon skills. Planting crops, tending to pledges, writing fervently and being a teacher figure to a lot of people. I love teachers.
I start talking to a specific girl and she quickly becomes someone I can relate with. I don’t know why it clicks but it clicks.
Halloween, and my pledges get second at the contest. I’m happy; the party was fun that night and I remember resolving things with pre-Fall Quarter girl. Well, sort-of.
Hmm… before this delves into another self-destructive post on women and my frat (I think that’s the focus of my mind for the past couple of years) I want to take the time to remind myself that is about my success.
Basically, during Fall Quarter, I learned that I need to be less dependent on interactions with others to maintain my sanity and better spirits. It’s not about me, and I really need to feel humble.
I also learned that I need to respect people and their boundaries. I can be charming, and cute, and I can get away with a lot, but people have barriers for a reason. Sure I can break those barriers, but really, what kind of person am I for doing such a thing? I grew to be very confident in my power over other people.
I lost a job and a internship back to back, and I learned I’m really lonely. It’s true. I also learned that I’m aloof, too aloof, and distracted all the time. It’s not that I don’t care, but I don’t have anything to care about. I’m in a rat-race. I want to break out. I want to build me. I take the steps towards grabbing what I want.
The real eye-opener were my classes and the people in them. It was also how much I can learn about people through the way that I observe them. I want to observe more. I can discern cues in body language and I can get a solid read on just things they say.
Never assume though.
What’s the meaning in learning if I can’t apply it, either? What’s the application? Where’s the significance?
I’m at all-time because I’m grasping at potential. I can see the tools. I’m playing with them. I’m amazing.
Well, where do I go from there? False godhood and all that? I need to build on that. I missed the momentum train and it’s back to square one. People see it in me, and they see me as looking down and mopey. It’s down to 2009 again?
No, it’s just I’m at the bottom of the plateau for 2010. This is new me. This is amazing me. I’m just at square one again and I need to put the time into the grind. I’ve gone from level 1 to 20, and things are a little harder for a reason. They’re getting better though. I’m better. I accept people, and I’m undoing years of brainwashing. I don’t judge as much and I’m going back to square one. It’s all manageable. I’ve done it before. 2009-2010 was an amazing year of change. I regret nothing, and I sure hope the people I’ve met forgive me…
see? I’m thinking in terms of how other people look at me. That’s not right. They can forgive me on their own time. They can see how much I’ve improved or they can just choose not to. I’m already making amends with the right people, and I’m still here if anyone wants to take the time. People are important, but I come first. I need to love myself with all my heart to really sell myself. It’s all about sales.
Hmmm…
I want immediate quick goals. I want self-love. I want a taco de carne asada.
This Amazing Fantasy 