The New Me

I’m still in shrink-wrap.  I’m still very rigid.  Still very rough.  But clean.  Very clean.

 

So, I’ve been tracking back my progress and change as a person over the past couple of months, and I think if I look back favorably, and start to a take a realistic look at my accomplishments, I think I can build on the successful momentum and not feel discouraged with no longer feeling so “high” or “empowered” as I did back in April / May.

So…  counting back to last Summer, maybe…  10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…

One day I was just being my usual self at the time.  Mopey, moody, irritable.  I almost miss that part of me.  I like that guy in how dead-set he was about being so self-absorbed.  It was easy.  It was easy to just be social when I made the effort to be social and let people come to me and pity me.  I’ve done a lot of thought on why children behave the way they do and why they act certain ways or react to certain triggers.  As much as I’d like to think that everyone is unique, evidence points to the contrary.  Patterns emerge in personalities and I’m pretty sure that selfish, spoiled children really take any opportunity they can to plea for attention in any way, shape, or form.

Mine was this angsty, emo, vagabond character, that wanted to seem too cool for not caring.  It’s very high school, when I gladly left that part of my life very far behind me.

So… mid-2009 rolls around and I’m quickly being the pledgemaster of my frat with a boost to my ego.  The culmination of years of investment and really something I wanted to do in the frat.  And I also feel like I’m someone there at the chapter.  Work for the good and all that.

I met a girl, and we got close, and mistakes were had.  School starts and I basically come into school on the momentum of one skittering relationship.  I meet three more people and I start tending to my Harvest Moon skills.  Planting crops, tending to pledges, writing fervently and being a teacher figure to a lot of people.  I love teachers.

I start talking to a specific girl and she quickly becomes someone I can relate with.  I don’t know why it clicks but it clicks.

Halloween, and my pledges get second at the contest.  I’m happy; the party was fun that night and I remember resolving things with pre-Fall Quarter girl.  Well, sort-of.

Hmm… before this delves into another self-destructive post on women and my frat (I think that’s the focus of my mind for the past couple of years) I want to take the time to remind myself that is about my success.

 

Basically, during Fall Quarter, I learned that I need to be less dependent on interactions with others to maintain my sanity and better spirits.  It’s not about me, and I really need to feel humble.

I also learned that I need to respect people and their boundaries.  I can be charming, and cute, and I can get away with a lot, but people have barriers for a reason. Sure I can break those barriers, but really, what kind of person am I for doing such a thing?  I grew to be very confident in my power over other people.

I lost a job and a internship back to back, and I learned I’m really lonely.  It’s true.  I also learned that I’m aloof, too aloof, and distracted all the time.  It’s not that I don’t care, but I don’t have anything to care about.  I’m in a rat-race.  I want to break out.  I want to build me.  I take the steps towards grabbing what I want.

The real eye-opener were my classes and the people in them.  It was also how much I can learn about people through the way that I observe them.  I want to observe more.  I can discern cues in body language and I can get a solid read on just things they say.

Never assume though.

What’s the meaning in learning if I can’t apply it, either?  What’s the application?  Where’s the significance?

I’m at all-time because I’m grasping at potential.  I can see the tools.  I’m playing with them.  I’m amazing.

Well, where do I go from there?  False godhood and all that?  I need to build on that.  I missed the momentum train and it’s back to square one.  People see it in me, and they see me as looking down and mopey.  It’s down to 2009 again?

No, it’s just I’m at the bottom of the plateau for 2010.  This is new me.  This is amazing me.  I’m just at square one again and I need to put the time into the grind.  I’ve gone from level 1 to 20, and things are a little harder for a reason.  They’re getting better though.  I’m better.  I accept people, and I’m undoing years of brainwashing.  I don’t judge as much and I’m going back to square one.  It’s all manageable.  I’ve done it before.  2009-2010 was an amazing year of change.  I regret nothing, and I sure hope the people I’ve met forgive me…

see?  I’m thinking in terms of how other people look at me.  That’s not right.  They can forgive me on their own time.  They can see how much I’ve improved or they can just choose not to.  I’m already making amends with the right people, and I’m still here if anyone wants to take the time.  People are important, but I come first.  I need to love myself with all my heart to really sell myself.  It’s all about sales.

 

Hmmm…

 

I want immediate quick goals.  I want self-love.  I want a taco de carne asada.

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It’s Coming Back

That infinite feeling of dread and decomposition; the little, the small, the tiny, the infinitesimal. I just want to vomit and explode, “deshacerse de las antiparras”.

Let’s take the bits and make a definition from it.

Life. is. not. fun. at. times. ,. but. I. think. I. can. handle. this?

Where is my car? Where are my car keys? These responsibilities are contrived illusions and I see through them all with the x-ray specs I got from the back of a magazine. A periodical on ownership, I tell them all I only read it for the articles, but we know we like the images. Those meaningless little images. So I take my scissors and cut out the good parts, time to work on my collage.

Youtube Comment of the Week – #1

Whenever I come across a funny youtube comment/conversation, I’ll try to share it here, I guess.

Video

cenking
wow, she’s very very very nice and of cause beautiful, but i dought that she’ll ever read my comment 😦

jjlljjll
No no, she will read it, and then when she does she’ll realize what a cool person you are, and through your words she’ll see that while on the outside you’re a little awkward, on the inside you’re awseome and a bright star filled with love, and then you’ll start sending messages back and forth, then she’ll realize she loves you and you’ll get married and live together and all because of this one comment in which you did the whole gauche thing. Oh dude I’m so happy for you dude oh my jeez…

I love assholes.

Relationships and Me

I like learning. A lot. But once you’ve been through tons of lessons, you realize that there are patterns in the different methods of learning. You could either pay attention to what others around you have experienced and then internalize what they have to say (and these have to be people you trust); or you could just experience it yourself and learn it the hard-way.

“What I’ve Learned About Relationships” by Me

– distancing yourself and avoiding emotional attachment is smart when appropriate
– being completely distant is not smart at all. If you’re with someone care for them. There is a difference between protecting your feelings and being selfish with them.
– be thoughtful
– be safe
– know what you want and express it openly
– if something is bothering you, share it
– if you’re still not satisfied, break ties immediately

You’ll be mad/sad/glad, but remember, everyone is only human and things sometimes just don’t work out like in the movies.

Those marvelous, marvelous movies…

neverever twentyone

One hour and 9 minutes and counting.

I’ve been convincing myself for the past week that the second that clock turns to 12:00, and I am 21, my mofuckin’ life is going to hit its peak.  I’ll never be 20 years old again.  That’s it.  It’s over.  The first 20 years of my life have come and gone.  And my, have they been interesting.  The later years especially.  I’ve changed so much in the past 4-6 years alone and have met so many amazing people, I’ve realized that very quickly you’re life could change for the better or worse.  One decision can really make a difference.

Many years ago I made the decision to never lift a cup of alcohol to my mouth.  I don’t like alcohol.  I don’t like the feelings it produces and I especially don’t like it’s impact on my life thusfar.  But, there is a…

58 minutes and counting.

…but there is a social aspect to imbibing liquour that really makes me feel less awkward than I would if I didn’t.  I feel pressured to do it, and I used to just deal with the pressure and act a like an outsider-boring-stiff-monkey.  Now I’m heavily leaning towards the “do it” side, and I don’t know whether I should be proud of myself for finally joining the crew, or mad at myself for setting aside the past.

I was never good at that though.  Setting aside the past.  I have a box dedicated to things I’ve collected that really mean the world to me.  Like, if my house was burning down this is the box that I would take; and everything else would come second.

55 minutes and counting.

“Happy Early Birthday, if I could spank you, I would!”

Here are some of my favorite birthday wishes from years past:

“lalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala; Marco, so… this is it. I hope you enjoy it.  Thank you for everything these past few years.  I love our friendship and I’m so grateful for everything.”

“Thank you for being you”

“Yeah, Happy Birthday Marco, I still can’t decide what to get you yet, but I’m working on it.”

“Brother, there are bad guys and there are good guys”

“Enjoy your special day because you are a very special boy.”

“Te quiero, Marco”

22 minutes and counting

I don’t think I state this enough but I truly love my family.

I’m lost.  I really am.  At this crossroads, junction, fat-place, whatever, I’m kind of like floating by and doing nothing really.  Well, it feels like I’m doing nothing, but I’ve done so much.  Even more so recently.  And I don’t want to make the important friendships slip by as inconsequential events, because these people helped shape me into the person I am today.  And I think I’m a pretty cool guy.

18 minutes and counting

“I felt creepy like you kinda”

I kind of want to know all the negative things people think of me.  I want to know why people hate me.  I want to know what I’m doing wrong in their eyes.  I want to know who to hate, who to jeer, who to fear, who to strive to make feel better.  Maybe these things are just simple habits that I can kick.  Maybe it’s a tick.  But I do believe in constant self-improvement, so I guess I haven’t hit my peak after all.

14 minutes and counting.

And that brings me to the glorious thing about me that I absolutely love: I love to learn.  I love to think and figure out, and reveal, and discover.  Someone tells me what their favorite song is, I’m most likely going to remember it for a very long time.  Yeah, I love/hate people.

11 minutes and counting.

So, I’ll spend the last 10 or so minutes devising my grand online quiz.  This shouldn’t take too long.  But honestly, this may be just the start.  I’m pretty sure my greatest accomplishment is going to be producing offspring and watching them grow up and insure that I’ll leave a worthy legacy.  But I still have this sinking feeling that 21 is going to be a stellar year and every year after will be a nostalgic turnaround.  Even more so than it already is.

2008-2009.

The year of Brawl, love, friendship, NAKivation, work, and slowly gaining wisdom.

I Saw Her Clit Ring

I was just sitting in my friend’s room when her roommate walks through the door. I was just told earlier that she has a clit ring; a green one. I ask her about it, and she shows me it. This happened last year but the image is burned in my mind. Amazing, awesome, cool, weird, fresh, and eccentric. I’ll never forget it.

Crickets Chirp and Owls Cuckoo

Peekaboo.

I’ve rinsed my hands and powdered my nose and am now ready to return to the stage.  Well, the fictional imaginary stage that this blog sometimes act as.  I mean, this is all a performance, right?  My writing; my personality; my presentation; my choices.  All a grand performance and maybe you’re here to read it or maybe you’re here to just be nosey.

Well here is the skivvy.

The role of Bea Arthur will be taken over by… no one.  Bea Arthur unforunately passed away recently and it has broken my heart.  We can not replace her and the show will go on.

In the third act, the main character will become a greek council secretary, a fraternity pledgemaster, a failure of a party planner, and a poor-man’s poor man.

Intermission concessions are currently depleted and thus you must plan accordingly.  I’m going to eat right now to make up for it.  Yum.

Do you speak Salazar?

I wish there was a way that I could go to Southwestern College and pick up a course on communicating with the people that make up the small tribe that is my family.  But then again, isn’t it a eternal struggle for children not to understand their parents and vice versa?  I’m sure when the time comes for me to breed, my children will yell at me and communicate their frustration over me not understanding them and that’s where our relationship will stand until they mature enough to realize that it’s a cycle.  A stupid and unbeneficial cycle.

Baron of Bad News

I usually take two steps forward and then fall down the metaphorical stairs.  I woke up today in the trunk of my car thinking what a wonderful sleep I had; I’m sitting in my warm bedroom thinking what a shitty feeling I got going in my stomach.  I think what I hate most about these moments in my life when I feel especially ill or not at all well is that these are the moments that drive me to scurry up to my blog and vent out my frustrations like a child scribbling angry words of regret on their favorite teddy bear.  This thing is supposed to be a reminder and a fun little tool; not an excuse or a notepad for my angst.  Pfft, wasn’t angst so 2004-2005?

I think during especially trying times I grab my favorite book and read my favorite passages… but I really don’t think I do do that, or I just read it in a magazine.  So I’ll pick up on where I left on Hulu, and try to find a relevant Daily Show quote…

“Brawl Street:  Get ready to buy low, and sell die!”

“Bern after Pleading”

“But will his wife wait for him?”

Imagine a female turtle waiting for her husband after discovering he was just a fraud; a criminal; a liar and America’s #1 Enemy.  Homeland Insecurity indeed.

Slowly but surely, I’m building a lego house.  4×2 blocks, three squares thick make up each colorful brick.  Primary colors assorted in amazing patterns, five feet away and red and yellow on a checkered board become an unclear wall of orange.  When did blue and red compromise to make purple?  When did they sell themselves short?

I watched a Spider-man episode earlier today and I was awestruck by how good it was.  Characters were so rich and so willing to live – opera in the background, and resolutions that just make me so happy.  Mark Allen states he doesn’t deserve her, and I’m inclined to agree.  Stupid Peter Parker and his responsibilities.  Valentine’s is a dumb holiday anyway.

Thinking of Spider-man is making me happy again.  Maybe I’ll watch the episode again.’

BTW: I love my mother very much.